You have always tried to do things properly.

You follow the rules. You pay attention to details. You want to understand exactly what is expected of you so you can do a good job.

And yet, somehow, you keep receiving the message that you are getting it wrong.

You are praised for being thorough but criticised for getting stuck in the details.

You are valued for your honesty but told you are too direct.

You are recognised for your ability to identify problems but criticised for focusing too much on what is not working.

You follow the process exactly as it was explained to you, only to discover that there were unspoken exceptions that nobody had told you about.

And you are left thinking:

"But I did exactly what you asked me to do."

I recognise this deeply in my own working life. Before understanding that I was AuDHD, I spent years trying to become better at understanding the rules of the workplace. I wanted to know what was expected of me so I could meet those expectations.

But the more I learnt, the more I realised that many workplace rules were not actually rules at all. They were often flexible, dependent on the person, the situation, and the unspoken social dynamics that everybody else seemed to understand instinctively.

This could be incredibly confusing. I followed the rules because I believed that was what would make me a good employee and a good leader. Yet at times, I was criticised for being too rigid.

There was also the constant challenge of trying to work out the unwritten rules of communication.

You may sit through a meeting with an idea you want to share, but spend so much time trying to work out whether there is a natural pause, whether someone has actually finished speaking, and whether your contribution is valuable, that the conversation has already moved on.

Or perhaps your thoughts arrive quickly and your brain has already made the connection. You interrupt or finish somebody's sentence because you are worried that if you wait, you will lose the thought.

One day, you may be told that you need to speak up more.

The next, you may be told that you interrupt too much.

It can feel as though you are trying to follow rules that are constantly changing.

I also recognise the contradiction of being deeply curious and wanting to understand everything. Throughout my career, I loved investigating problems, finding gaps, improving systems, and learning as much as I could.

That curiosity was often one of my biggest strengths.

But it also came with a fear of getting things wrong. I could spend hours researching, checking, and trying to understand every possible angle because I believed that if I just learnt enough, I would finally be able to get everything right.

Many AuDHD adults describe a strong sense of fairness and justice. You might work incredibly hard to follow workplace processes and expectations, only to notice that other people seem able to ignore those same rules without consequences.

You may find yourself wondering:

"How is it okay when they do it, but not when I do?"

Or:

"How was I supposed to know that this rule did not apply in this situation?"

Over time, these experiences can lead to self-doubt.

You may start questioning your judgement, over-analysing every interaction, and trying even harder to understand what everybody else seems to know naturally.

For many late-identified AuDHD adults, there can be grief in realising how much time and energy was spent trying to decode a workplace that often communicated in a language you were never explicitly taught.

Part of understanding yourself differently may involve letting go of the belief that you failed because you did not try hard enough.

The truth may be that you were trying harder than anyone around you ever realised.

Therapy is not about teaching you how to become better at pretending to be somebody else or helping you learn every unspoken workplace rule. It can be a space to explore the impact of years of misunderstanding yourself, rebuild trust in your own way of thinking, and develop a more compassionate relationship with the parts of yourself you may have spent a lifetime trying to change.

If this resonates with your own experience of work and being AuDHD, you are welcome to get in touch with me by email at hello@mbcounselling.co.uk to arrange an initial conversation about working together to support you.